Monday, January 24, 2011

Why Am I Here?

I have asked myself this question a number times. I think I have finally realized what the answer is. My purpose in life was to bring two very special people into this world. My job was to bring them up in a safe and healthy enviroment. To keep them protected from everything out in the big bad world that could harm them.

If I could have, I would have drawn both of them in close me, set up an impenetrable defensive net and kept them protected in every way from the rest of the world. Unfortunately, I realized that this was not part of the bigger plan. They are here for a purpose so the best thing I could do was to do my best to advise and guide them. Even though they are both out on their own, I continue to do this every chance I get. But I also try very hard to do nothing more than guide and suggest. The decision-making is up to them. I just make sure that they know whatever they decide, I will be there to support them any way I can.

Yes, I made mistakes. I was not the perfect father. But, I did the best I knew how.
Yet despite all this, I sit here knowing that I had a part in bringing two very special people into this world. This was the best thing I could have done. I believe they are going to be directly or indirectly involved in something that will have an effect on things everywhere.

Quite a bold statement with out a doubt. But I believe in the Butterfly Effect. Simply put, this means that whatever you do has a ripple affect that could spread across the world. I believe that my contribution has been my two children. So now what is left for me to do?
So, I guess I have done my duty. My kids know that I will always be there for them. It is my job for life and I am grateful to have it. But now it is my turn to find something for myself. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? It seems an almost overwhelming question at times.
I still have a few years to go before I retire so work continues to occupy my days and sometimes my weekends. I have my astronomy that I enjoy playing with but winter makes it too cold to be outside at night for too long. I have been slowly working through minor repairs and renovations on our house and of course I have my karate. What would I do without the dojo?

I know I am suffering a bit from the winter blahs. For me, it is a feeling of being trapped in the house or in the plant. Sometimes, like just this week, I find myself working on the roof of the plant in freezing cold temperatures trying to keep some of our roof-mounted equipment running despite the cold. I have just picked up a pair of safety boots that would keep your feet warm at the North Pole and I have about the best pair of winter coveralls I could find. Oner of our engineers commented to me the other day that I better be careful or I might get all of the roof work. I protested out loud but inside, I thought that would be just fine.
I guess I am just looking for something different to do. I am feeling stuck in a rut and I am suffering from a case of late onset empty nest syndrome. This past summer my daughter was home for most of the summer and we got to spend a fair bit of time with her. Now that she is gone back to school, I am reminded just how much I miss both of them. This, combined with a case of the winter blahs has gotten to me a bit. If it wasn't for karate, I would be having a much worse time of it.

Karate has kept me challenged and looking forward. Challenged by the physical aspect of the training, by the small jobs I have been doing to help around the dojo. Challenged to keep thinking. So, instead of feeling lost, I can stop and look at what is going on and try to do something about it. I have big plans for the spring. All I need is for spring to get here, real, real soon.

For now, I am sitting here at the Fall River Pub, enjoying a glass of beer, waiting for my wife and watching these beautiful, huge, fluffy snowflakes gently floating to the ground.

Curse them all!!

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