Frustration

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like everyone and everything goes wrong? Where the entire world around you is conspiring against you? A couple of days ago, I did.

I have been working very hard at beating this kind of thing. There was a time in my life where this feeling of frustration and anger owned me. This was part of my battle with the BEAST that I talked about in a earlier post. But I have to confess, every once in awhile, I still have to go through this fight.

The other day, it just seemed to go wrong from the start. I slept in so I had to run around to get to work on time. In the process, I forgot part of my lunch. As soon as I got to work, there were people waiting for me with issues that had to be resolved as soon as possible. Being part of the maintenance department in my plant, I participate in planned preventive maintenance on certain machines on certain dates. This day, I was covering all of the rest of the plant for emergency repairs while the rest of the maintenance department concentrated on a single machine center. This is a normal part of the operation. But for some reason, today as the day went on, it felt more and more like the entire plant was falling apart around my ears!

It seemed like every time I stood still, someone else needed my help. These were all totally legitimate things that needed to be done and this kind of thing does sometimes happen but for some reason on this particular day, it was getting to me.

Toward the end of the day, my boss came up to me and asked if things were going all right. He obviously knew it was a very hectic day. I just wanted to scream, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" But I didn't. I told him I could use some help finishing up a couple of repairs as soon as someone was available to help and he did this.

At the end of the day, everything was fixed, the rest of the team got through the preventive maintenance of the machine center they were working on and I still got out on time. I walked out of the door of plant thinking, I need to get home and do something for myself to calm my nerves and get back to where I should be. I was still fighting the Beast.

As soon as I got home, I changed into my workout gear and started my usual routine, thinking that this would bring me the peace of mind I needed, but under the surface, things were still churning.

After completing my workout, I headed out for my run. I am preparing for the upcoming Kilt Run so I am working on my pace for this 8K run. I got down to the end of my driveway, started my music, hit the stopwatch and headed down the road.

Thinking back on it now, I realize that as I headed down the road, I was still thinking about the day. I was practically grinding my teeth. I had forgotten all about what the workout was supposed to do for me and I was hanging on to my anger and frustration.

As my run progressed, I worked at distracting myself away from the frustrations of the day and tried to concentrate on the run. I was running hard. I was pushing as hard as I could. I was beginning to feel like my body was not cooperating with me. I needed more!

When I saw the end of the my driveway approaching, I pushed even harder. As I hit the driveway, I hit the stopwatch. I was panting like a dog. I stood there for a couple of seconds and then looked at the stopwatch. My first reaction was anger. What the @#%* is going on! Along with everything else today, even my body is conspiring against me! My time is slower. How could this be?!

I walked down my driveway toward the house feeling frustration and anger. I started to go through my normal cool down routine and worked at calming myself down as I did this. After about 10 minutes, I had managed to get ahold of myself, went into my office and started up my computer in order to enter my numbers in my running log.

I opened up my log and had to do a double-take at the numbers there. I looked back at my stopwatch and again at my log. I had just completed my fastest run ever! Suddenly everything came clear. I had let my head get so full of frustration and anger, I was blinded by it. The Beast had gotten the better of me. At that instant, everything drained away. The anger and frustration was gone. How foolish of me.

The next day, I was up on time, I got to work, had a busy day preparing for a very big upcoming job, came home and did the same run. This time, I did it with a clear and calm head. I focused my energy on letting everything else go. When I got back to the end of my driveway, I hit the stopwatch, checked my time and found I had just beat my time from yesterday. Another personal best.

What I learned form this is that the Beast is always there and letting it surface does nothing for you but harm. How pointless. But now I know I have to always be vigilant and aware of the signs. Tomorrow I will be running with other member of the karate club. I am very much looking forward to this and that feeling of accomplishing something when I run or work out or go to my karate class.

Doors with Rooms

 I often hear people talk about the doors they pass through as they go through life, different stages they go through as they progress. One door closes and another door opens. I am sure this is true for most people including me, but what about the rooms on the other side of those doors? Those rooms are a big part of our lives. They also guide us toward that next door. Often there is a choice that has to be made as to what door you are going open.

For myself, I would have to say that my life has not been one full of doors. That is not to say I haven't had a good and interesting life because, for the most part, I have. Maybe it is because of how I define "doors" that makes the difference. To me, a door is just the opening or a passage to a new stage. Once you cross through that door, you enter the room or the next stage of your life.

One room I remember with great fondness is my childhood. I had a dream childhood, a father who cared deeply about us and a mother who loved and cared for us above all else. We were not a rich family financially by any stretch of the imagination but we had each other, and life around our house was always happy and filled with many adventures.

One of  those adventures was camping. It was wonderfully new every time. We were like world explorers stepping out into the wilds of the unknown. You never knew what strange beast was just around the next juniper bush or what undiscovered indigenous people you would encounter on the other side of the lake. If you looked really hard at night, you could sometimes see them performing some kind of mysterious dance around a campfire. And all of this from the safety of our campsite in Algonquin Park under the constant watchful eye of our parents.

As I grew up, the room I entered was one where I prepared myself to give to my future family what my parents had given to me. That became for me what life was all about. I had to find a well-paying job, find a good house in a good neighbourhood and prepare to be a good parent. This was the room that I saw as my main target and purpose in life.

When I finally reached the door that led into the room of parenthood, I was ready. My plan was complete and solid, or so I thought. But everything was about to change. I quickly realized that you can plan until you're blue in the face but for some reason, life doesn't alway go along with the plan. My kids were certanly a big change from what I thought it would be like.

When my son Christopher was born, I stepped from the room of preparation into the room of parenthood. This room was scary, exciting, happy, sad - did I leave anything out? The room that had opened was what I had been working toward all of my life. But as they say, the best laid plans of mice and men... Regardless of the amount of preparation I had put into this plan, it had to be modified, constantly.

I did my best while I was in this room. I took a very active role in raising my kids. Even though the plan did not go exactly as I had envisioned, life did go on. From this room came two very wonderful people that I am very, very proud of. Now it was time to move on.

Another door was opening leading to a room I knew nothing about and had given very little thought to. Here I was in a room that I had not planned for. I had made the mistake of not considering what came after kids. What was I supposed to do here anyway?? When I first stepped in, it was empty, completely and utterly empty. It was a pretty scary place to be, at first. In my mind, I had not even considered this room. I had gone straight to retirement. All this time I was thinking too far ahead. I had been concentrating so hard on what I perceived as the next room, retirement, I wasn't ready for this one. Midlife.

So here I am, furnishing this room from scratch. What do I need to do to make it work? I have been stumbling through the room of midlife for a few years now. It has been full of many surprises. One of those surprises has been myself. I have discovered that I have interests of my own. I have found so many things that I want to do. Some are a bit far-fetched like taking a cruise around the world or sculpting in steel. I always wanted to be an artist. Other things like learning about the martial arts are more real. I currently have an orange belt in karate and I have started studying Iaido, the art of the Japanese sword.

So, as I pick my way through this room, building, changing and rebuilding, it is beginning to look like a bit of an adventure. So here I am again fighting with my enemy, time. Once again there just never seems to be enough of it. I often find myself getting mad at myself for sitting still and wasting some of this oh-so-precious commodity. I need to keep going to reach my goal for this room. The trouble is, I don't really know what my goal is! Do I even need a goal while I am here? Maybe I should go back and start the previous room over again so I can be better prepared, have a better plan. But I can't. Once those doors are closed, that's it, there is no going back.

As I have been trying to figure this out, I am beginning to see that this room has windows in it. This is a first for me. I can see or at least sense what may be on the other side of that next door. Retirement. That must be what all this is about. I am getting life in order for retirement. Now, with all that I am trying to do, the door to the next room almost feels too close sometimes. I'm not ready. There is so much I need to do. So many things I need to get ready. Can I afford it? Do I want it? Again, what will I do??

My instinct and training tells me I need to plan, in detail, for what is going to happen next. I can't help but try to plan just about everything. Life can be so full, how can you just let it happen? You might miss something.

The reality is that no matter how much planning you do, life still just happens. I am not for a second suggesting that planning is a waste of time. I am just saying that sometimes things just don't work out the way you plan. Sometimes you just have to let go, step through that door into the next room and let it happen. After all, isn't that what retirement is all about? I hope so.