Deer on the Road

It has been a big couple of weeks for me. I was preparing for a grading in karate and today is the day before the Kilt Run. I trained very hard for both of these events.

A couple of days ago I was out for a run along my usual route. I was concentrating very hard on the run as well as going over my katas in my head. I suddenly noticed a couple of deer standing in the road not more than a couple of hundred feet up in front of me. As I approached, they both ran off to the side of road and, I thought, into the woods. As I got closer, I could see that they had just gone off to the edge of the tree line along the road.

As I got closer, I could see there were actually three of them, all standing there, watching me very closely. I was a bit surprised that they continued to stand right where they were even as I ran past then, not more than 50 feet away. They just stood there and watched me as I went by. I had this image run through my head of the three of them standing there talking to each other as they watched me.

"There he goes again," says one of them.

A second says, "There must be something wrong with guy!"

The third one says to the others, "He's out here a lot these days. I think he's been spending far too much time in the sun."

This made me laugh so hard that I am sure if someone did see me at that time, running along the side of the road laughing the way I was, they would have thought that their fear for my state of mind was well-founded.

I have to admit that I am feeling a bit nervous about the Kilt Run tomorrow but I am sure I will get through it. All I am going to need to do is think back to those three deer at the side of the road watching me go by. I just hope I don't break out laughing.

Just goes to show that sometimes you can take life too seriously. Maybe every now and then you need to slow down and listen to the deer.

P.S. I am very happy to say that I have moved up to my green belt.

Frustration

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like everyone and everything goes wrong? Where the entire world around you is conspiring against you? A couple of days ago, I did.

I have been working very hard at beating this kind of thing. There was a time in my life where this feeling of frustration and anger owned me. This was part of my battle with the BEAST that I talked about in a earlier post. But I have to confess, every once in awhile, I still have to go through this fight.

The other day, it just seemed to go wrong from the start. I slept in so I had to run around to get to work on time. In the process, I forgot part of my lunch. As soon as I got to work, there were people waiting for me with issues that had to be resolved as soon as possible. Being part of the maintenance department in my plant, I participate in planned preventive maintenance on certain machines on certain dates. This day, I was covering all of the rest of the plant for emergency repairs while the rest of the maintenance department concentrated on a single machine center. This is a normal part of the operation. But for some reason, today as the day went on, it felt more and more like the entire plant was falling apart around my ears!

It seemed like every time I stood still, someone else needed my help. These were all totally legitimate things that needed to be done and this kind of thing does sometimes happen but for some reason on this particular day, it was getting to me.

Toward the end of the day, my boss came up to me and asked if things were going all right. He obviously knew it was a very hectic day. I just wanted to scream, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" But I didn't. I told him I could use some help finishing up a couple of repairs as soon as someone was available to help and he did this.

At the end of the day, everything was fixed, the rest of the team got through the preventive maintenance of the machine center they were working on and I still got out on time. I walked out of the door of plant thinking, I need to get home and do something for myself to calm my nerves and get back to where I should be. I was still fighting the Beast.

As soon as I got home, I changed into my workout gear and started my usual routine, thinking that this would bring me the peace of mind I needed, but under the surface, things were still churning.

After completing my workout, I headed out for my run. I am preparing for the upcoming Kilt Run so I am working on my pace for this 8K run. I got down to the end of my driveway, started my music, hit the stopwatch and headed down the road.

Thinking back on it now, I realize that as I headed down the road, I was still thinking about the day. I was practically grinding my teeth. I had forgotten all about what the workout was supposed to do for me and I was hanging on to my anger and frustration.

As my run progressed, I worked at distracting myself away from the frustrations of the day and tried to concentrate on the run. I was running hard. I was pushing as hard as I could. I was beginning to feel like my body was not cooperating with me. I needed more!

When I saw the end of the my driveway approaching, I pushed even harder. As I hit the driveway, I hit the stopwatch. I was panting like a dog. I stood there for a couple of seconds and then looked at the stopwatch. My first reaction was anger. What the @#%* is going on! Along with everything else today, even my body is conspiring against me! My time is slower. How could this be?!

I walked down my driveway toward the house feeling frustration and anger. I started to go through my normal cool down routine and worked at calming myself down as I did this. After about 10 minutes, I had managed to get ahold of myself, went into my office and started up my computer in order to enter my numbers in my running log.

I opened up my log and had to do a double-take at the numbers there. I looked back at my stopwatch and again at my log. I had just completed my fastest run ever! Suddenly everything came clear. I had let my head get so full of frustration and anger, I was blinded by it. The Beast had gotten the better of me. At that instant, everything drained away. The anger and frustration was gone. How foolish of me.

The next day, I was up on time, I got to work, had a busy day preparing for a very big upcoming job, came home and did the same run. This time, I did it with a clear and calm head. I focused my energy on letting everything else go. When I got back to the end of my driveway, I hit the stopwatch, checked my time and found I had just beat my time from yesterday. Another personal best.

What I learned form this is that the Beast is always there and letting it surface does nothing for you but harm. How pointless. But now I know I have to always be vigilant and aware of the signs. Tomorrow I will be running with other member of the karate club. I am very much looking forward to this and that feeling of accomplishing something when I run or work out or go to my karate class.

Doors with Rooms

 I often hear people talk about the doors they pass through as they go through life, different stages they go through as they progress. One door closes and another door opens. I am sure this is true for most people including me, but what about the rooms on the other side of those doors? Those rooms are a big part of our lives. They also guide us toward that next door. Often there is a choice that has to be made as to what door you are going open.

For myself, I would have to say that my life has not been one full of doors. That is not to say I haven't had a good and interesting life because, for the most part, I have. Maybe it is because of how I define "doors" that makes the difference. To me, a door is just the opening or a passage to a new stage. Once you cross through that door, you enter the room or the next stage of your life.

One room I remember with great fondness is my childhood. I had a dream childhood, a father who cared deeply about us and a mother who loved and cared for us above all else. We were not a rich family financially by any stretch of the imagination but we had each other, and life around our house was always happy and filled with many adventures.

One of  those adventures was camping. It was wonderfully new every time. We were like world explorers stepping out into the wilds of the unknown. You never knew what strange beast was just around the next juniper bush or what undiscovered indigenous people you would encounter on the other side of the lake. If you looked really hard at night, you could sometimes see them performing some kind of mysterious dance around a campfire. And all of this from the safety of our campsite in Algonquin Park under the constant watchful eye of our parents.

As I grew up, the room I entered was one where I prepared myself to give to my future family what my parents had given to me. That became for me what life was all about. I had to find a well-paying job, find a good house in a good neighbourhood and prepare to be a good parent. This was the room that I saw as my main target and purpose in life.

When I finally reached the door that led into the room of parenthood, I was ready. My plan was complete and solid, or so I thought. But everything was about to change. I quickly realized that you can plan until you're blue in the face but for some reason, life doesn't alway go along with the plan. My kids were certanly a big change from what I thought it would be like.

When my son Christopher was born, I stepped from the room of preparation into the room of parenthood. This room was scary, exciting, happy, sad - did I leave anything out? The room that had opened was what I had been working toward all of my life. But as they say, the best laid plans of mice and men... Regardless of the amount of preparation I had put into this plan, it had to be modified, constantly.

I did my best while I was in this room. I took a very active role in raising my kids. Even though the plan did not go exactly as I had envisioned, life did go on. From this room came two very wonderful people that I am very, very proud of. Now it was time to move on.

Another door was opening leading to a room I knew nothing about and had given very little thought to. Here I was in a room that I had not planned for. I had made the mistake of not considering what came after kids. What was I supposed to do here anyway?? When I first stepped in, it was empty, completely and utterly empty. It was a pretty scary place to be, at first. In my mind, I had not even considered this room. I had gone straight to retirement. All this time I was thinking too far ahead. I had been concentrating so hard on what I perceived as the next room, retirement, I wasn't ready for this one. Midlife.

So here I am, furnishing this room from scratch. What do I need to do to make it work? I have been stumbling through the room of midlife for a few years now. It has been full of many surprises. One of those surprises has been myself. I have discovered that I have interests of my own. I have found so many things that I want to do. Some are a bit far-fetched like taking a cruise around the world or sculpting in steel. I always wanted to be an artist. Other things like learning about the martial arts are more real. I currently have an orange belt in karate and I have started studying Iaido, the art of the Japanese sword.

So, as I pick my way through this room, building, changing and rebuilding, it is beginning to look like a bit of an adventure. So here I am again fighting with my enemy, time. Once again there just never seems to be enough of it. I often find myself getting mad at myself for sitting still and wasting some of this oh-so-precious commodity. I need to keep going to reach my goal for this room. The trouble is, I don't really know what my goal is! Do I even need a goal while I am here? Maybe I should go back and start the previous room over again so I can be better prepared, have a better plan. But I can't. Once those doors are closed, that's it, there is no going back.

As I have been trying to figure this out, I am beginning to see that this room has windows in it. This is a first for me. I can see or at least sense what may be on the other side of that next door. Retirement. That must be what all this is about. I am getting life in order for retirement. Now, with all that I am trying to do, the door to the next room almost feels too close sometimes. I'm not ready. There is so much I need to do. So many things I need to get ready. Can I afford it? Do I want it? Again, what will I do??

My instinct and training tells me I need to plan, in detail, for what is going to happen next. I can't help but try to plan just about everything. Life can be so full, how can you just let it happen? You might miss something.

The reality is that no matter how much planning you do, life still just happens. I am not for a second suggesting that planning is a waste of time. I am just saying that sometimes things just don't work out the way you plan. Sometimes you just have to let go, step through that door into the next room and let it happen. After all, isn't that what retirement is all about? I hope so.

Sharing

I have been working at Goju Ryu karate for about a year-and-a-half now. I have had the opportunity during this time to lead the class a couple of times in warm-up exercises. It is a normal thing for Sensei Laurie to do. Giving students of different ranges of experience a chance to take a small but important lead during class is a great thing.

The first time I did it, I was quite nervous about it. I had to stop and think as to just what we should be doing and what should be next. Sempai Frank picked up on this the first time and suggested I just relax and breathe. Good advice. As it turned out, I really enjoyed doing it.

That really should not have been any kind of surprise to me. I do some training at work and I have always enjoyed doing that, but this was different. Karate was and still is something very new to me. Here I was being encouraged to lead the beginning portion of a class. Very cool! As you know from my earlier postings, karate has very quickly become a very important thing to me and here I am in a small leadership role.

Over the past few weeks we have been focusing on our fitness level. Sensei has asked us to think of something we would like to work on. This is all being done with some focus on the upcoming Kilt Run. This is an 8K run in Perth where most of the participants run wearing a kilt. Quite a novel idea put on by the local running shop called The Running Goat.

To get off on a bit of a tangent, I very clearly remember driving back into town last year after being away on vacation to see all these people running around in kilts and many of them had their faces painted blue. I thought the whole town had gone crazy. What a sight!

To get back on track here, I thought since I had just started running myself and doing quite a bit of research on different exercises for running, I would volunteer to put together an exercise routine for one of our classes geared specifically toward running. Sensei thought it was a great idea and encouraged me to put it together and do it. I could have as much class time as I needed for it. This was great! The chance to share with the class some of my passion for exercise and a new-found love, running.

I spent the next week putting this together and was all ready to go when I managed to injure myself. I pulled a calf muscle and my Achilles tendon. I had to go to Sensei and ask for an extension in time so I could be 100% ready to lead and participate in this class. Next thing that went wrong in a manner of speaking, was work. Working for a living can really get in the way sometimes.

Actually, the job that came up was part of a very big project that I have a part in. Very exciting stuff so I shouldn't really complain. The end result of these delays was me getting more nervous about such a big deal as leading the class through a routine that I designed.

Sensei Laurie was great about the delays. It did not seem to concern her a bit. She just encouraged me to keep working on it. And work on it I did. Probably too much. I took apart the routine and redid it so many times. The end result was the routine that I basically started with in the first place.

I decided that it would fun to name this routine so the first thing to come to mind was Eye of the Tiger, thank to Derek, a fellow student who seems to really enjoy a good hard workout. Thanks, Derek.

Finally, no more excuses. It was time to put up or shut up and for me, the second option just wasn't there. I had put together a music soundtrack and took it into the dojo. As I got started, I was feeling a bit anxious about it. I had spent quite a bit of time working on the tempo of the routine, trying to keep in mind the different fitness levels I would be working with and the ultimate goal of improving everyone's fitness level and most importantly, for everyone to feel challenged but to have some fun doing it.

As the end of the routine approached, I was very pleased to see everyone fully engaged and working hard but not stressed. I think I got it right.  What a great feeling! Everyone had a bit of fun and a really good workout. I was so thrilled to be able to share this with the group. Derek came up to me and told me he loved it. Thanks Derek! Eye of the Tiger my friend!

Here I am, an orange belt helping black belts and the rest of my fellow Karataka train. Wow! It was truly a great feeling to be so accepted and appreciated for what I could bring to the table. I am always so impressed with this club and with Sensei Laurie. Leadership and inspiration. Also this group of people I had the opportunity to share this with. Sempai Frank, Sempai Gordon and everyone else. What an amazing group of people.

At the end of the class, Sensei Laurie announced that the next fitness class done by me would be in three weeks. I think she liked it.

I have to admit to a bit of pride when the following class Sensei said that she was a bit stiff from the workout. It was a challenge to everyone there, including me! There are about eight of us that will be doing the Kilt Run. I am really looking forward to this. It is quite a privilege to work with this group of people and be part of the karate community.

Next workout, Rolling Thunder!

The Spirit That Moves You (or Moves Around You)

Have you ever had the feeling when sitting in an empty room, that you aren’t alone? Or maybe when you have been lost in a book or sitting at your desk concentrating on something, out of the corner of your eye or think you see a shadow moving. What is this? Is your mind just playing tricks on you? Is it just a reflection from the window behind you? Maybe the curtain just fluttered a bit in the breeze. But the window isn’t open.

For me, these occurrences seem to happen when I am in a state of deep concentration or a meditative state of mind. I find myself in this state of mind most often when I am in a workout or out running down one of our back roads. Exercise has come to be almost meditative for me. Since I have been exercising quite a bit these days, I seem to be seeing these little tricks of the mind or shadows (if that is what you chose to believe they are) much more often.

I know of some people who believe they are sensitive to the presence of spirits around them. Originally I had never dismissed this kind of thing out of hand but I have always been skeptical. The human brain is an amazing thing. When we are not using all of its functions that we normally use in every day life, when we are concentrating on one thing alone, maybe the parts of our brain that are at rest aren’t really at rest or idle. Maybe they are creating these shadows in our mind’s eye to remind us that they are still there and want something to do. Or maybe these parts of our brain become much more sensitive to our surroundings when they are allowed to be clear and quiet. Maybe what we think our mind’s eye is seeing, we really are seeing.

Since I have started studying martial arts, I have been practicing on quieting the noise we all create in our own minds. All those extra thoughts that are always rattling around in there. What’s for dinner tonight, did I remember to turn off the oven, what was I suppose to pick up at the grocery store. The list goes on and on. When I started noticing all of this background clutter, I started paying a little more attention to it and I realize just what an incredibly noisy place the brain is. It just never stops!

In my martial arts training I am working on quieting my mind to allow me to focus on my training. As I have been progressing with this, I have been using this mind quieting during my regular workouts to just let the energy of my body flow. This seems to take me to a state of meditation. It seems to be at this time I sometimes see or feel these fleeting glimpses of things around me. That shadow that moves or that subtle feeling that someone is standing beside me or watching me.

Personally, I guess I am not sure just what I believe. I like to think all things are possible. I like to think that even though I am essentially by myself, maybe I have help. Maybe someone is there helping me in my struggles and at these times of a quiet mind, I see these tiny little glimpses of this.

Is there such a thing as a house of souls? I don’t know. Is there such a thing as a past life? I would like to think so. So let’s call it my choice to believe that we are never really alone. I like to think that there is a group of unseen supporters out there helping me move forward and times when I am engaged in something physical like a workout or practicing a karate kata or an iaido wazu, I like to think that the warrior I was from a long past life is there with me, helping me battle forward in my quest to battle and conquer my own demons.

What's Wrong With That Guy!

I have started training for my next goal in my fitness plan. I hope to be able to do at least one 15K run before the snow flies next winter. I have started this by adding to and altering my current exercise routine. This is going to be a reach for me but I believe that it is important to stretch one's self mentally and physically.

While I was down visiting relatives a short time ago, I went to the YMCA as I usually do. This time however I did something a bit different. This Y is a beautiful facility. It is very clean, there is a very good variety of equipment and they have an indoor track.

After spending my normal amount of time do my regular workout, I went up to the track and just started running. Not too hard, just a nice steady pace. This track is not huge, it takes 8 revolutions to make one kilometer. I started keeping count of each lap I was doing but after about 10 laps, I lost count so I just kept going.

After about half an hour I stopped and did my usual stretching. It was then that I realized that I must have covered about 8K including the 4½K I had done on the treadmill. Not bad, I thought. I was tired but hadn't overdone it by any means. This was very encouraging. I know I have a knee problem from too many years of carrying around all that extra body weight but even my knees seemed okay with it. I have no doubt it will be a different situation once I can start running outside again but I think there is hope.

The next step for me is to figure out a pace. I have a tendency to go to hard at first, even in my 5K runs, so this is going to be pretty important. I was a bit disappointed the other day when I set a pace on the treadmill, started running and went for about 45 minutes. I only covered just over 5K. My pace is too slow and running for that kind of time on the treadmill is just so boring! Along with the boredom, my knees started to get a bit sore.

It has been a couple of weeks now. I have spent some time doing reasurch into different running techniques. I came across a technique called Chi Riunning. Being a person interested in the martial arts, this sounded very interesting to me. I did some investigating on the Web and bought a book on this running style and started practicing it. Much to my delight, it seems to be working for me.

The weather is finally getting warmer and I am getting back out on our back roads to practice this technique. The next thing I know, I am running without pain. WOW! I can't believe it. It is early yet but already, I am so very pleased. So pleased that I dicided to sign up for a 5K run to raise money for Japan. A good cause and I am sure it will be an interesting experience.

Many years ago, I had signed up for what was called a 5K Fun Run. I did this a couple of times and never really found it much fun. Now here I am, almost 30 years later, doing it again. But this time it is different. At the end of the work day, I can't wait to get home so I can get out for a run. Just 5K but so far just this week, I have already run 23K and I still have the race on Saturday to go.

I very clearly remember, like it was yesterday (because it practically was), driving past these people who were running along the side of the road and I would think that they must be out of minds. Who would do that! It also seemed to me that the expression on their faces was that of pain. I would sarcastically say to my wife, now there goes someone who really looks like they're having fun. Now look at me. I am turning into one of them. I have to chuckle to myself when I see the expression on the faces of some people as they drive by me. What's wrong with that guy!

I don't plan to ever run a marathon or anything like that, but I seem to have found something to add to my list of things to do that I both enjoy and are good for me. There just seems to be something so peaceful about it. I have no doubt that to some people, a 5K run would seem like nothing at all, but to me, just at the beginning of this thing, it seems quite amazing. When I am out there running along our back roads by myself, everything that went on before and everything that is going to go happen after, just fades away into nothing for that little piece of time. It is just me, the road, and the beauty of my surroundings.

Next week, 10K!! Can't wait!

The Ultimate Loss

Sometimes I feel so surrounded by it. In the past few weeks, the child of a friend of mine committed suicide. This was followed later that same week by the news that a friend of mine who is around my age passed away after having a very serious bout of pneumonia. Most recently I learned that my cousin who is only a couple of years older than I am has just this morning passed away as a result of cancer.

I know that death is an unavoidable fact of life. Sooner or later it will catch up with all of us. I just hope it is later. I know I am getting older but at this age we should be looking forward to what we will do with ourselves when we retire. Attending funerals of friends and relatives in my own age group is still not something that I would like to think that I will be having to do on any kind of regular basis. But it stills happens.

As a parent, my biggest nightmare is having to go my own child’s funeral. I can not imagine how that must tear a parent up inside. Never mind what seems to be an ever growing case of young people committing suicide. What is happening in our society today where we are losing so many of our children to such an insidious plague? How can we end this? Why, so often, do we not see it coming? YOUR LIFE COUNTS! (check out this link)

I don’t pretend to know the definitive answer to any of these questions. Nor do I understand why we lose or friends at such an early age. I do know that it just makes me feel sick! At the same time I feel guilty for feeling this way. I look at what has been happening in Japan right now. Whole villages have been wiped away. Nothing left! Thousands of people have been killed and people continue to die from this earth-shattering quake. So where do I get off feeling depressed? Unfortunately that just seems to add to it.

I think one of the big reasons that this is so upsetting to me is because I have been working so very hard to make myself healthier and stronger so I can have a better and longer life. All of what is going on around me is a reminder that life can be fleeting. You never know when the time set aside just for you will come along and end it all, no matter what you have done. My biggest fear is that I will get healthy, get to retirement or almost, and then have it snatched away with no say from me at all.

I remember a few years ago when my mother passed away. We knew she was very sick with ovarian cancer. She had gone into the hospital for an operation. We were told that things did not look good. After the operation, she developed a post-operative infection and became very ill. My father called us one night and told us he thought it would not be long. My mother was in a near coma. We took a couple of days off work and went down. When we got there, we went to the hospital the next morning and were very surprised to see Mom awake and alert. She was happy and talking to us making it very clear that she was going to getting out of this hospital very soon.

The word went out quickly that Mom was awake. We went out and got a number of colourful posters to put up the walls of the very drab looking room she was in. More relatives showed up and Mom greeted everyone with a smile and a hug. It was incredible!

This lasted for two days. The day we were going home, Mom had slipped back into that coma-like state. This was the last time we saw her. The day after we went home, we got a call from my father to tell us that she was gone.

To this day still, not a day goes by that I don't think of her and thank God for her and that gift we got when we got to spend those last couple of days in her loving embrace.

My Mother taught me a lot of things including the value of life. It is worth fighting for every last second. Life is just too short and too precious to not hang on to with everything you have. So despite of and also because of everything that is happening around me, I know what a gift life is. To paraphrase a line from a movie I once saw, I will not go quietly into the night! When the grim reaper comes looking for me, he better be well armed because I will fight him with everything I have.

I will live my life as best I can and make it last as long as I can.

I love you Mom.